Visitations of the past in dreams
and visits to the past in daydreams –
most mornings idly bear witness
to these and other shelved imaginings.
this vast land from an eleventh storey window,
low clouds encircling a nearby mountain,
or grey birds taking flight,
fill no absence.
Only the shell of the ceiling remains
to greet four walls.
Unbound on that ceiling,
that which is imagined
asks so suddenly to be:
shoulders, arms, and torsos,
which warm shadows of touch
to other living fragments.
Hours pass by with their audible seconds
and the many,
measured rhythms of the body,
breathe and pulse with liquid repetition.
But a body never armoured against its longing,
or any earthly prickling
must learn to also forsake such dispatches.
Retrieved and invited
they would light up –
like paper lanterns above a timid flame –
hollowly flutter and then ascend,
like the great night receiving them
and the solemn dawn they will not see.
One cannot humour them
and paint life into inanimate companions,
moved by nothing
but the will of fire
and the mind unknown to itself.
I wrote a one-line draft — one must endure — with a sense I would not complete it. I searched for films on loneliness, for writing is a solitary task. I made a habit of trying hard, but never particularly hard enough. I avoided realisations, you see, I feared breaking the enchantment of my ignorance. The vow of one who fears life(?): to long for nothing and to surrender in advance.
If I was away in body, I would still be here wouldn’t I?
I taught myself I had conjured desolation in a stagnant decade of self-pity.
And yet I wondered why, years later, I could not I bid it leave.
is it a cruel form of desperation that compels you to defuse yourself in fear of your own implosion?
is it cruel because it is a task for your hands alone? in all others it would be unholy sterile violence
in yours, it is an act of wistful love, as delicate as a naturalist loosening a butterfly’s wings
sometimes, with requisite mourning, you must fragment your absoluteness
at times, when fractured you are more tenacious than when whole
I come to speak through your dead mouth
Join together across the earth
all the silent scattered lips
and speak to me from below, all this long night
as if I were anchored among you,
tell me everything, chain by chain,
link by link, and step by step
sharpen the knives that you kept
place them in my breast, my hand,
like a river of yellow beams,
like a river of buried tigers,
and let me weep, hours, days, years,
blind ages, stellar centuries.
I want a self-concept that is not based on comparison and comparative accumulation I want love that is immanent, rather than a continuous decontextualised abstraction I want my realisations to materialise from perspicacity into a holistic methodology for approaching various facets of life I avoid